Friday, February 15, 2008

"Smokey, you know I ain't the smartest man in the world, but, from back here it look like you're takin a shit"...Ezal

I came into work today, tired and unmotivated as usual. Nothing distinctive from any other day, until I was met with the news that someone took a dump in one of our stairwells. There was a huge commotion with cleaning crew and administrators and photographers (because you know, you need to document when something like this happens, preserve that shit in history). There are now two prevailing theories going around (well really only one, but I'm promoting the second, so two) about how this could have happened. Our building is pretty tightly secure on the evenings and weekends. You can't get in without an ID card. The bathrooms are code locked, and the elevator and all floors are on card access. However, the door does stay open for a few seconds when someone comes into the building, so theoretically one could sneak in. But once they are in, they can't really go anywhere but out. Here's the major theory: it's possible, that someone got in late night without notice and needed to use the bathroom. They're in. They go to the bathroom on the first floor and realize that it's locked. So they try to take the elevator up a floor but the elevator won't go up. So they see stairs and go for that. But to their frustration, the doors for entry into any other floor are locked too. So now they're pissed at this building and they (probably desperately) need to take a dump. What do they do, you ask? Well, apparently, the best solution, one that deals with both their anger and their biological need (two birds, one poop) is pop a squat in the corner and do a number two. Makes sense, you say. Well, to me this seems unlikely, because even though theoretically someone can get in, the person exiting or entering the building legitimately, the one that works here, would notice someone hanging around and going for the door. And we've been reminded numerously about keeping this a secure building, so that person SHOULD be suspicious. No I think this was an inside job. I think this was a fetish being played out. Someone really enjoys pooping in public and they thought this was the perfect outlet for their disgusting desires. A way to express themselves. I think they got a real thrill at the thought of almost being caught. I even think they returned to the scene of the crime. When everyone was standing around in repulsed fascination. I bet they even made a few comments about being outraged at the act. All the while deviously grinning on the inside. Riding high on adrenaline because they had duped every one. Those sick bastards! I feel dirtier for working in the same building as them. Like it was my trust and innocence that was defecated on too.

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